That Awful Traffic Jam To Visit Mother Potato 

Grandmother Willow (Pocahontas) reminds Hot Dog of nan and her friends

Whale and Hot Dog are visiting Grandmother Potato today. It’s one of Hot Dog’s favourite things on Earth – visiting Mother Potato, because she’s Whale’s mother and a lady who always gives her so many very delicious candies, and knitted goods, she has crafted herself during her spare time. Most of the time Mother Potato (that’s what Hot Dog was taught she should call her grandma, apart from “nan” of course) is busy cooking, gardening, reading several newspapers, writing her diary entries, and spending time with her friends, a majority of which weren’t fortunate enough to escape living in homes after retirement because their kids (after they grew up and everything) and grandchildren, never really cared much about them.

Whale: Just look at the traffic this weekend! I think it will take us a whole day to drive to Birmingham!

Hot Dog(laughs): Where is nan staying in Birmingham?

Whale: With her friend Jennifer – her granddaughter just became a teenage mom, so Jennifer’s very distraught about it!

Hot Dog: What for?

Whale: She’s only a teenager, she shouldn’t be having kids! But her horrible boyfriend simply knocked her up and left her, so she’s quit her day job and holed up with Jen!

Hot Dog: Where did she use to work?

Whale: Oh that girl had a very bright future ahead of her but she totally ruined it…she use to work at this Mexican restaurant, like serve food and everything there!

Hot Dog: Wow! What a story!

Whale: Yeahhh…but you’ll be there with nan this weekend so she won’t totally lose her cool in all that drama!…poor Jen, she’s really freaked out about all of it!

…………………………………………………………………………..

It’s been flipping three hours and Whale and Hot Dog are still on the road, merely inching close to Birmingham. Whale stopped by at a gas station for a couple of minutes, in the middle, to get some soda for Hot Dog and chocolate for himself; he really can’t understand why the road is so badly jammed…

Whale:…so, Hot Dog! How was the circus? I feel last week was too much of a whirlwind and we couldn’t really properly catch up! Did you have a grand ball, with Fat Pig and Jack?

Hot Dog: I did, yeah! It was really, really fun! But we’ll catch up on that subject later…why don’t you tell me how work’s been?

Whale: Mmmm, work has been boring, first. Then it got interesting because I got to have tea with my boss, Bart, and I remember talking to her about moms and everything.

Hot Dog: Oh! Does she know I am visiting nan this weekend?

Whale: Yup, I did tell her! She told me that she hasn’t been able to have that kind of a-whole-week-of-fun for plenty of work, for ages, which is still cool because she frequently visits her grandmother and mother, for like a couple of hours.

Hot Dog: Why do they live a short drive away from her?

Whale: No! They live in Belfast!

Hot Dog:…OMG! That’s in Ireland!…this all sounds so much like the Spice Girls’ song “Mama”!

Whale: What’s the Spice Girls, honey?

Hot Dog: It’s this British band, I like!

Whale:… you do, honey? That is so amazing! I just know I will simply love everything you love…

Whale Is On It…

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Gossips over latte…

Whale and Bart are still at Starbucks, ordering a latte and trying to breakup with Margot.

Whale: Margot, baby, you have to understand. I am not just breaking up with you because you are fat and made me ill for weeks because of your chicken soup. It is also because you cannot tell my Boss that I do not like her!

Margot: I just thought it would be the sweetest thing. Normally, people don’t like their bosses. How is it that you get along with your boss?

Whale: Bart is not like other bosses. She is very friendly.

Bart: (seated some spots away from the two, mutters under her breath and over her latte) She thinks I can’t hear her! (starts shouting at Margot’s direction) I am high-maintenance too, maybe that’s another reason to say that to Whale – that I am a horrible boss and someone normally people would not get along with because I am so high-maintenance, even at work!!!

Whale: No, I don’t think you are a horrible boss, Bart! I think you are amazing!

Bart: You would say that to my face…I am your boss!

Whale:…Margot, this really is not fair. You cannot just make up things about me and then pass it to my boss. What ever made you think I would think the same things?

Margot: I just…I thought we agreed that you were never to see her again!

Bart: WHAT?!?! How dare you…

Whale: I…

Bart: You have got some nerve talking behind my back. Do you even know who I am or how powerful I am? How dare you…

Margot: I really don’t understand you!

Bart:…You really don’t understand me? Is it because your “walkman” has run out of tapes to dictate you premade English sentences?

Margot: Whale!!! Please, don’t leave me!!!

Bart: Why would he leave you? Your too desperate to begin with…

Whale:…Margot, stop with the fat lies! You cannot make money out of me and Bart with your stupid “I am pretty sure it is already” paparazzi-loving book any longer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Starbucks & Breakups

Happy Holidays!!!

Whale and Bart are out at Starbucks, to breakup with Margot.
Margot: Hi!!!!!!!!
Whale: Margot, I need to breakup with you again!
Margot: WHAT?
Bart: You heard that right!!!!!!!! How dare you send me messages stating I’m not mates with Whale? Your so ugly, push-up bras won’t work underneath that Urban Outfitters tee with that Urban Outfitters slogan!
Margot: We are having a couple-conversation!
Bart: Your having a breakup conversation! You two aren’t a couple anymore…why don’t you read more to be able to tell that? What else do you not understand: that curry has dried on your tee’s sleeve and it looks like it even has too much turmeric, potatoes and basil leaves, yuck! Discover washing machines more, you poor little lady from Dundee!
Whale: Margot, I have had quite enough! You cannot just…keep frustrating me! Bart you like wait outside after ordering coffee! I will just explain to Margot, she’s very confused!
Bart: Alright! I’ll just go get some latte!
Whale: Yeah! I’ll join you in like a couple of minutes, after getting latte for me too!
Margot: But Whale, you cannot touch her…
Whale: (pointing at Margot) No more chicken soup or potato curry from you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whale & His Typewriter

Whale needs some “Help” in dating!

Whale is running into some trouble with his typewriter, as he is busy copyediting a manuscript that outlines the significance of Gorbachev in the Cold War.
Whale: Damn! The typewriter is jammed…
Bart: Wot up!
Whale: My typewriter’s jammed…should I go get it repaired?
Bart: Sure! By the way I am getting hate-mail from a woman called Margot, who keeps saying we aren’t mates because I am always busy and thus we cannot be mates. Do you know why? For it’s been a while since we spoke, even though I am your superior, that I am your boss!
Whale:……….Margot, took it really tough when I broke up with her over her chicken soup!
Bart: So? It’s probably the reason why she breaks out in amnesia when I’m arguing with her and tells me stuff like: all my mates don’t get along – like, she knows even one!!! She is gonna get a piece of my mind for life now because she actually sent that hate-mail with a picture of her squeezed into a green Gucci dress!
Whale: I’ll speak to her and tell her to just be an ex and never ring me when I’m in the office or at home!
Bart: I don’t care! I’m bloody fierce, strong & courageous!  All I care about is how fat she looks in Gucci – you can actually see her turkey-thighs…
Whale:…Can you come with me as I break up with Margot, baby, all over again?

The Sound Of Maths

Time for cupcake treats…

Hot Dog, Fat Pig and Jack are hanging out together at the fort because it’s their day off from school – they have no classes today but plenty of homework to do.
Fat Pig: So the sum of 2 + 2 is 0.
Jack: No that’s 4.
Hot Dog: Yeah, what you did was subtraction!
Jack: I have the perfect idea for the play…I just wanted to increase Juliet’s presence more in the play with the gold-loving dog!
Hot Dog: No Romeo does not belong with Rosaline! It’s not like it’s Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew that the male protagonist fell in love with an arrogant, snobby and evil girl and somehow miraculously she consented to the marriage after like making fun of him and his affections, all her life!
Fat Pig: That is my favourite story in the whole world! I love how she beeees evil in her attitude towards the guy!
Jack:…….you are making it impossible for me to end the story, you really are! I must now go back to the drawing board and do what Shakespeare could not do…
Hot Dog: What are you saying, you are Shakespeare?
Jack: Nope, maybe be another Hemingway!
Fat Pig: Yeah, like how Hot Dog is a mini-Einstein!

……………………………………………..

Whale and Bart are busy working at the office today. They are busy reviewing the latest scientific publications.
Bart: Why is it so noisy today?
Whale: Random House is having construction works going on to build it’s new Shakespeare annex!
Bart: (yells) Tim!!! Tell them to pipe down!..
Tim: Yes, Miss!!!!!!
Bart: Tim is the new janitor!
Whale: Yeah! I can’t believe I’m going to do the cover for the new Albert Einstein book! He’s great!
Bart: I know! E = mc (square) isn’t even hard! Everyone found it so tremendously challenging but it really wasn’t. And I did that in my A-Levels!
Whale:……..you wot?
Bart: I did E = mc (square) in my A-Levels because I did EDEXCEL all my school life!…The kids who did Cambridge treated it like it was so basic like learning about what is an element and what is a compound, whilst doing semi-advanced Chemistry!
Whale: They would! Most of them go to uni, like to Oxbridge and don’t know what is India, except that it’s a country filled with poor people!

Whale Talks Fishing

Whale is spending time with his boss today, after being back at work. They are talking about a lot of different things and catching up!
Whale: Would you like some wasabi peas, Ms. Bart?
Bart: Huh? No, I am good! Cheers! Do you like wasabi peas??
Whale: Yes, it’s my favourite snack in the whole world. Do you have a favourite snack yet?
Bart: I love crisps – I can’t get enough of them. Off-late I am a little bit addicted to seaweed though.
Whale: You have seaweed as a snack? Isn’t that like greens?
Bart: Yeah, it is but it’s fried and tastes like fried fish!
Whale:…I am sorry for the delay in getting back to work but you will not believe how ill some chicken soup had made me.
Bart: That’s alright! Are you feeling better now? I have to say I am not feeling that amazing myself. I just got off a bad case of flu too and my mouth has lost all taste, when it comes to food!
Whale: Oh noooooooo! I hate it when that happens. It’s like getting a burnt tongue, whilst drinking coffee, without trying! I am doing better, though still feel really cold all the time. Do you think it has something to do with the monsoon season?
Bart: Maybe! Everything is getting colder by the minute! Looks like we will be having a cold Christmas this year!
Whale: I hate when you wake up on Christmas mornings and find that not one of your presents this year has been worthwhile. Last year, I spent Christmas alone with a good book and I found that all I ever got as presents were water flasks, chocolates and chunky jumpers in mustard, pink and tourmaline.
Bart: Yuck! Last Christmas was good for me. I spent the whole day with my best mate from school. We made each other’s presents and then did our Christmas roasts. I have no idea how this year’s Christmas is gonna go though – it looks like it will be a proper busy Christmas household with presents, hanging out and roasts.
Whale: I know what it’ll be like at my household. I wanted to go fishing with my Dad this holidays, so I think after spending collecting yet more water flasks, I’ll be off to that adventure.
Bart: You want to go fishing in winter? Is that on Boxing Day you are going?
Whale: Yup! I want to show my Dad I too can catch a mackerel, and then gut it and roast it by an open fire!
Bart: So, it’s going to be a camping event too, huh? It’s been ages since I have done that with my Dad. It’s hectic enough to do Christmas roasts with him, he has like a million things he provides as inputs but then expects everything to go his way.
Whale: I know!!! My Dad thinks I don’t even know you need worms to catch fish, can’t gut and clean them before roasting on an open fire and forget about catching a mackerel!
Bart: Aren’t Dads supposed to bond with their kids over episodes like this?
Whale: That’s what I thought so too but looks like ours just like to either show off or dictate. Like Santa’s happy little helpers!
Bart: Cannot wait to get on Santa’s sleigh this year too!
Whale: The closest I’ll ever get to Santa being real is see other kids’ Dads dressing up as ones and making use of the mistletoe to the hilt! Come to think of it they sound more real than our Dads – it’s enough to make you grumble all over the Christmas!
Bart: Maybe they just like us to always agree with them on every little thing?
Whale: When will I get my codependent relationship?