Whale’s Fancy Lunch

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Whale is on a burger and iced lemonade mission today. He is at a drive-in restaurant and he’s just ordered twenty burgers and twenty iced lemonades for the office. His boss has some very important industry friends of hers over for lunch and has sent Whale out to make the food arrangements – there is a big book fair coming up in the winter to which Bart wants to ensure a lot of her publishing house’s books are sent, for people to purchase. It’s one of the biggest book fairs on the calendar for the book industry, so Bart needs to be absolutely certain that the meeting turns out to be a good one for everyone she’s asked to come to it.

Whale, meanwhile, is sat in his car thinking how hot this summer’s been. Also, how excited he feels to have his boss entrust him with something more than just editing one book after another, on one subject after another. Whale checks his watch from time to time and sighs heavily…three minutes and still no sight of brown bags, a little bit greased at the bottom.

Whale (thinks to himself): It’s 12 o’clock already. I wonder whats taking them so long…I expected fast food delivery to be super fast but this place doesn’t really do as it advertises. What’s it’s name again? I’m sure Hot Dog would have a better memory than me over places like these.

Whale pokes his head out of the window (of his car) and notices that there is a huge sign in red and purple saying The Veg Burger Station. He takes out his notepad from his backpack and scribbles down the name of the place – if the food turns out to be good then he and Hot Dog can come here more often.

Waiter: Here you go! Twenty green chilli and ‘station’s original veg-patty’ burgers and twenty small-sized iced lemonades. Sorry for the delay! It’s been a really long queue today! But hope to see you again!
Whale (gruffs): Thank you!

Whale drives off back to his office within twenty minutes. Inside, there’s a lot of chattering going on about the book fair, and several of the office workers have got a heated debate going on over which books may or may not make it this year.

Three knocks on the second boardroom’s door…

Bart (opens the door): Yes!
Whale: Boss! I have got refreshments!
Bart: Oh! Thank you! Please come on in!…also, please put the refreshments on the table. You can then go and get yourself to eat something from the cafeteria…it’s on me! Thanks a lot for the last-minute trouble!
Whale: Oh! Thank you boss!

Ten minutes later…

Whale is sat with a crunchy salad and a buterred-bun sandwich, with melted cheese fillings. The cafeteria is oddly empty today, with only a couple of workers spotted eating their way through lunch in silence, or noisly with coworkers.

Whale (sighs and thinks to himself): Boy, has today been different at work. Since, Hot Dog has been back from her grandmother’s I haven’t had a moment to spare to myself. Dog just always keeps bouncing around the house…I think I could use today’s quiet lunch with my thoughts.

But soon enough, everything doesn’t go as planned…

Margot: Hello Whale!
Whale (looks up from his lunch):…………………………..Margot! What are you doing here?
Margot: I was just on my way to a friend’s house – she recently got married and I really wanted to meet her and her new family. I haven’t actually seen her since her wedding. Uh, so I thought I coupld spare some time and drop by and meet you, as well, along the way. It’s been some time since we got the chance to talk.
Whale: Um…we had a fight Margot and we no longer just talk after that.
Margot: But Whale…you know it’s really just one of those ups and downs of a relationship.
Whale: Um…Margot! I really think you shouldn’t be here. If my boss…if um, Bart finds out you are here in the cafeteria she is going to get really mad. And I also don’t want to see you anymore. I really, really feel like I don’t want to. Did you not understand that from our fight?
Margot: But Whale…I really miss you!
Whale: Margot…please leave me alone! I’m scared for my life now. You don’t have to visit me ‘just because…’ anymore!…
Margot (shouts): Fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just stay with your boss!!! Just do anything you feel like to do!!!

Margot then stomps out of the cafeteria, leaving Whale looking frightened, and the whole cafeteria staring at him.

Whale (looking all around): What you all looking at? Never had a crazy ex-girlfriend disturb you at lunch? I have had plenty. And to think…the woman must appear, the moment I sat down with my melted cheese bun…


That Awful Traffic Jam To Visit Mother Potato 

Grandmother Willow (Pocahontas) reminds Hot Dog of nan and her friends

Whale and Hot Dog are visiting Grandmother Potato today. It’s one of Hot Dog’s favourite things on Earth – visiting Mother Potato, because she’s Whale’s mother and a lady who always gives her so many very delicious candies, and knitted goods, she has crafted herself during her spare time. Most of the time Mother Potato (that’s what Hot Dog was taught she should call her grandma, apart from “nan” of course) is busy cooking, gardening, reading several newspapers, writing her diary entries, and spending time with her friends, a majority of which weren’t fortunate enough to escape living in homes after retirement because their kids (after they grew up and everything) and grandchildren, never really cared much about them.

Whale: Just look at the traffic this weekend! I think it will take us a whole day to drive to Birmingham!

Hot Dog(laughs): Where is nan staying in Birmingham?

Whale: With her friend Jennifer – her granddaughter just became a teenage mom, so Jennifer’s very distraught about it!

Hot Dog: What for?

Whale: She’s only a teenager, she shouldn’t be having kids! But her horrible boyfriend simply knocked her up and left her, so she’s quit her day job and holed up with Jen!

Hot Dog: Where did she use to work?

Whale: Oh that girl had a very bright future ahead of her but she totally ruined it…she use to work at this Mexican restaurant, like serve food and everything there!

Hot Dog: Wow! What a story!

Whale: Yeahhh…but you’ll be there with nan this weekend so she won’t totally lose her cool in all that drama!…poor Jen, she’s really freaked out about all of it!


It’s been flipping three hours and Whale and Hot Dog are still on the road, merely inching close to Birmingham. Whale stopped by at a gas station for a couple of minutes, in the middle, to get some soda for Hot Dog and chocolate for himself; he really can’t understand why the road is so badly jammed…

Whale:…so, Hot Dog! How was the circus? I feel last week was too much of a whirlwind and we couldn’t really properly catch up! Did you have a grand ball, with Fat Pig and Jack?

Hot Dog: I did, yeah! It was really, really fun! But we’ll catch up on that subject later…why don’t you tell me how work’s been?

Whale: Mmmm, work has been boring, first. Then it got interesting because I got to have tea with my boss, Bart, and I remember talking to her about moms and everything.

Hot Dog: Oh! Does she know I am visiting nan this weekend?

Whale: Yup, I did tell her! She told me that she hasn’t been able to have that kind of a-whole-week-of-fun for plenty of work, for ages, which is still cool because she frequently visits her grandmother and mother, for like a couple of hours.

Hot Dog: Why do they live a short drive away from her?

Whale: No! They live in Belfast!

Hot Dog:…OMG! That’s in Ireland!…this all sounds so much like the Spice Girls’ song “Mama”!

Whale: What’s the Spice Girls, honey?

Hot Dog: It’s this British band, I like!

Whale:… you do, honey? That is so amazing! I just know I will simply love everything you love…

Whale Is On It…

Whale and Bart are still at Starbucks, ordering a latte and trying to breakup with Margot.

Whale: Margot, baby, you have to understand. I am not just breaking up with you because you are fat and made me ill for weeks because of your chicken soup. It is also because you cannot tell my Boss that I do not like her!

Margot: I just thought it would be the sweetest thing. Normally, people don’t like their bosses. How is it that you get along with your boss?

Whale: Bart is not like other bosses. She is very friendly.

Bart: (seated some spots away from the two, mutters under her breath and over her latte) She thinks I can’t hear her! (starts shouting at Margot’s direction) I am high-maintenance too, maybe that’s another reason to say that to Whale – that I am a horrible boss and someone normally people would not get along with because I am so high-maintenance, even at work!!!

Whale: No, I don’t think you are a horrible boss, Bart! I think you are amazing!

Bart: You would say that to my face…I am your boss!

Whale:…Margot, this really is not fair. You cannot just make up things about me and then pass it to my boss. What ever made you think I would think the same things?

Margot: I just…I thought we agreed that you were never to see her again!

Bart: WHAT?!?! How dare you…

Whale: I…

Bart: You have got some nerve talking behind my back. Do you even know who I am or how powerful I am? How dare you…

Margot: I really don’t understand you!

Bart:…You really don’t understand me? Is it because your “walkman” has run out of tapes to dictate you premade English sentences?

Margot: Whale!!! Please, don’t leave me!!!

Bart: Why would he leave you? Your too desperate to begin with…

Whale:…Margot, stop with the fat lies! You cannot make money out of me and Bart with your stupid “I am pretty sure it is already” paparazzi-loving book any longer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Starbucks & Breakups

Whale and Bart are out at Starbucks, to breakup with Margot.
Margot: Hi!!!!!!!!
Whale: Margot, I need to breakup with you again!
Margot: WHAT?
Bart: You heard that right!!!!!!!! How dare you send me messages stating I’m not mates with Whale? Your so ugly, push-up bras won’t work underneath that Urban Outfitters tee with that Urban Outfitters slogan!
Margot: We are having a couple-conversation!
Bart: Your having a breakup conversation! You two aren’t a couple anymore…why don’t you read more to be able to tell that? What else do you not understand: that curry has dried on your tee’s sleeve and it looks like it even has too much turmeric, potatoes and basil leaves, yuck! Discover washing machines more, you poor little lady from Dundee!
Whale: Margot, I have had quite enough! You cannot just…keep frustrating me! Bart you like wait outside after ordering coffee! I will just explain to Margot, she’s very confused!
Bart: Alright! I’ll just go get some latte!
Whale: Yeah! I’ll join you in like a couple of minutes, after getting latte for me too!
Margot: But Whale, you cannot touch her…
Whale: (pointing at Margot) No more chicken soup or potato curry from you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whale & His Typewriter

Whale needs some ‘Help’ in dating!

Whale is running into some trouble with his typewriter, as he is busy copyediting a manuscript that outlines the significance of Gorbachev in the Cold War.
Whale: Damn! The typewriter is jammed…
Bart: Wot up!
Whale: My typewriter’s jammed…should I go get it repaired?
Bart: Sure! By the way I am getting hate-mail from a woman called Margot, who keeps saying we aren’t mates because I am always busy and thus we cannot be mates. Do you know why? For it’s been a while since we spoke, even though I am your superior, that I am your boss!
Whale:……….Margot, took it really tough when I broke up with her over her chicken soup!
Bart: So? It’s probably the reason why she breaks out in amnesia when I’m arguing with her and tells me stuff like: all my mates don’t get along – like, she knows even one!!! She is gonna get a piece of my mind for life now because she actually sent that hate-mail with a picture of her squeezed into a green Gucci dress!
Whale: I’ll speak to her and tell her to just be an ex and never ring me when I’m in the office or at home!
Bart: I don’t care! I’m bloody fierce, strong & courageous!  All I care about is how fat she looks in Gucci – you can actually see her turkey-thighs…
Whale:…Can you come with me as I break up with Margot, baby, all over again?

The Sound Of Maths

Hot Dog, Fat Pig and Jack are hanging out together at the fort because it’s their day off from school – they have no classes today but plenty of homework to do.
Fat Pig: So the sum of 2 + 2 is 0.
Jack: No that’s 4.
Hot Dog: Yeah, what you did was subtraction!
Jack: I have the perfect idea for the play…I just wanted to increase Juliet’s presence more in the play with the gold-loving dog!
Hot Dog: No Romeo does not belong with Rosaline! It’s not like it’s Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew that the male protagonist fell in love with an arrogant, snobby and evil girl and somehow miraculously she consented to the marriage after like making fun of him and his affections, all her life!
Fat Pig: That is my favourite story in the whole world! I love how she beeees evil in her attitude towards the guy!
Jack:…….you are making it impossible for me to end the story, you really are! I must now go back to the drawing board and do what Shakespeare could not do…
Hot Dog: What are you saying, you are Shakespeare?
Jack: Nope, maybe be another Hemingway!
Fat Pig: Yeah, like how Hot Dog is a mini-Einstein!


Whale and Bart are busy working at the office today. They are busy reviewing the latest scientific publications.
Bart: Why is it so noisy today?
Whale: Random House is having construction works going on to build it’s new Shakespeare annex!
Bart: (yells) Tim!!! Tell them to pipe down!..
Tim: Yes, Miss!!!!!!
Bart: Tim is the new janitor!
Whale: Yeah! I can’t believe I’m going to do the cover for the new Albert Einstein book! He’s great!
Bart: I know! E = mc (square) isn’t even hard! Everyone found it so tremendously challenging but it really wasn’t. And I did that in my A-Levels!
Whale:……..you wot?
Bart: I did E = mc (square) in my A-Levels because I did EDEXCEL all my school life!…The kids who did Cambridge treated it like it was so basic like learning about what is an element and what is a compound, whilst doing semi-advanced Chemistry!
Whale: They would! Most of them go to uni, like to Oxbridge and don’t know what is India, except that it’s a country filled with poor people!